Friends, it's been an emotional couple of weeks. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones talking, but I have been on the verge of tears at least once a day. For the best reasons. In short, I have been touched to my core by the goodness of people. By the love people have shown to our son and our family. We are overwhelmed, deeply moved, and filled to the brim with gratitude.
Shortly after I posted my last blog about Fionn losing his hair, I received an incredible email from a friend, Lauren Dworkin, who had organized a few other families in the neighborhood. All of their little boys wanted to shave their heads to support Fionn in his hair loss. She said there were at least 3 families, and she expected there would be more as the week continued. Would Fionn want to do this? A group shave after the baseball game that coming weekend?
Folks, I have to tell you that I was unable to respond to this email for a solid 45 minutes because I was so emotionally undone. I cried the best, biggest, fattest tears, and it was exactly what I needed to do. As I mentioned in my last post, Fionn's hair loss has been difficult for me in ways I didn't anticipate. It was a jerk back to reality when we were perfectly happy living in Dreamland for the greater part of this past year. We realized that we would probably be shaving Fionn's hair quite soon, and I have to tell you that the thought of Fionn returning to school with a bald head and all the questions and stares this would inevitably entail....Well, it made my heart ache for him. Fionn is a trooper and a warrior and the strongest person I know in so many ways, but he is still just a little boy. He wants to be normal and liked and accepted.
So when Lauren suggested that maybe Fionn wouldn't have to be alone with his shaved head, I felt the clouds part a little bit. This could work. This could help.
But, of course, it had to be Fionn's decision. When he arrived home from school, I asked him what he thought about some of his friends shaving their heads with him that coming weekend after the baseball game. The shy smile that spread across his face is one that I will never forget. "Mom, Mom...Wait," he said with his palms pressed to the table. "Myles, Everett, and Colby would all shave their heads too?" Then that smile again. "Okay, I will do that."
And so we did. That next Sunday after baseball, the kids and their families all gathered at the Dworkins house for a Shave Fest. Fionn didn't want to go first. He was hesitant. No problemo. Myles Dworkin stepped right up to the plate and received a buzz from the best (in my humble opinion).
Fionn followed the brave lead of Myles and went second. Then Colby, Sam, Alex, Reilly and Will. Before long, we had a house full of bald-headed little boys. It was the most beautiful sight.
If there was any doubt in my mind that Shave Fest was the most amazing thing ever (and there wasn't, by the way), it would have immediately drained away the following morning as we headed out to the bus stop. Fionn's reaction to his new shaved head had been mostly positive. It bothered him a little when he tried to sleep that first night (strange sensation of bald head on pillow, I guess), but he was largely okay with it. But that morning as we approached the bus stop, Fionn stopped. He touched his head nervously. He hid behind a telephone pole. "I don't want anyone to see my bald head," he said with a frown and tried to make himself as small as possible behind the wooden pole. He asked me to go over to the other families waiting at the bus stop and tell them what had happened. The hair loss, the shaving. Debrief them, if you will.
So Deaglan and I walked over to the small group gathered at the bus stop. I started to explain that Fionn was feeling self-conscience and why. I told them about the hair loss and the shave over the weekend.
Then all of a sudden, everything changed.
The Pearson boys from down the street rounded the corner on their way to the bus stop. Their backpacks were jangling, their step was jaunty, and their heads were bald as a baby's bottom. Immediately, my boy came out from behind the pole and sprinted through the park toward the Pearson kids. Laughing, smiling. At ease. They boarded the bus together, one bald bunch of little boys.
And that was it.
But then it wasn't actually it. A couple of days later, I received a text from John Tillman, the head coach for Maryland Men's Lacrosse. As you remember, Fionn has been part of an amazing experience called Team Impact this year which pairs kids with cancer with a college sports team. Fionn was matched with U of MD Men's Lacrosse, and I cannot tell you how important this team has become in Fionn's life. Everything is Terps, Terps, Terps now. He talks constantly about his "team" and when he can see "the guys" again. He absolutely, 100% feels that he is an integral part of this team. And that is 100% because of Coach Tillman, Coach McFarlane, and the incredible bunch of players.
Coach Tillman's text was inquiring about Fionn's hair loss. At the previous week's game which Fionn attended, Conor had mentioned to Coach Tillman that Fionn's hair was falling out again. He mentioned that we were staring down a bald head at some point soon. That night, I told Coach Tillman that we did indeed shave Fionn's hair last Sunday. I assured him that Fionn was doing fine, and the hair loss was by no means indicative of a negative turn in his treatment or prognosis (many of the players were wondering).
The next day, I received another text with a picture. The picture showed Coach Tillman with his newly shaved head. An hour later, I received another picture of two of the players with shaved heads. And then another one with two more players a few minutes later.
And then, a few days later, we received this.
Friends, there is just no way to describe how it feels to have this sort of support for our little boy. And, you know, I don't think I even need to describe it. I think you all get it. I think you all feel it. Cancer is a sonofabitch. God, is it ever. It takes, and it takes, and it takes. But there is one thing I have seen during this journey. And I have seen it in spades. Goodness. Oh, there is so much goodness and love in this world. So much kindness. We have been bathed in it lately. Just marinated in love. I cannot, will not EVER be able to adequately express how much this love buoys up our family. Thank you, from the deepest depths of my heart, for supporting our little boy.
I will close with a link to the article that ran on the U of MD website about the lacrosse team shaving their heads. It's a pretty awesome article with some adorable pictures of the guys with Fionn.
What a wonderful blog. Goodness and kindNess bring light to the darkness! Love you my handsome boys,Fionn and Deaglan!
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