No Place Like Home

After 3 nights in the hospital, we are bound for home this afternoon around 4:30 pm.  Fionn has officially cleared the methotrexate from his system.  Hooray!

Overall, our time in the hospital went really well.  Fionn had basically no side effects from the chemo, except for a small bit of diarrhea on Tuesday.  He has eaten like a champ and has been sleeping pretty good at night too (aside from hourly pee-pees due to the constant fluids he is receiving).  His mood has been fabulous.  Fionn seriously loves being here at the hospital.  The food, the cheerful people, the unlimited movies and I-Pad use (insert mommy guilt here), the art room...what's not to like?  Plus, you never know who you're going to meet in the hallway.

Just Fionn and one of his peeps.

As for me, I have to admit that this week was harder than I envisioned.  I'm still trying to figure out exactly why so I can make some adjustments for our next inpatient stay in about 10 days.  The best I can come up with is this: I think the hospital has a draining effect on my energy and attitude.  Something about the lack of sunlight, florescent lights everywhere, sickness all around me, too much screen time for Fionny which makes me feel like a bad parent (but also feels necessary)...I don't know.  I just feel depleted.  And then I feel guilty because, really, who am I to complain when it's my boy who is getting injected with toxic chemicals and who has to be hooked up to an IV pole for days at a time?  He's handling it like a champ...so why am I struggling?

I get a lot of comments from people who are amazed by my positivity and ability to have a sense of humor in the midst of this terrible situation.  Although I appreciate these sentiments so much (they really keep me going sometimes), it's not the whole picture.  Here's the truth.  Sometimes it doesn't come as easily.  Sometimes I feel angry, sad, tired beyond belief...and I just find myself feeling a bit crumbly.  Do you know what I mean by crumbly?  That feeling that if someone touched me or looked at me the wrong way, I might fall into a bazillion crumbs on the floor.  Like a piece of stale pound cake.  Just crumbs on the floor.

Thankfully, I have an amazing support in my husband, Conor, and he collects my crumbs when they fall.  Or at least he patiently waits for me to sweep them up and put them back together myself.  Having a partner like this is a necessity when dealing with a crap-tacular situation.  This I know is true.

I also want to give a HUGE shout-out to another support person in my life.  My amazing friend and neighbor, Debee.  Do you know that this woman has single-handedly taken care of my rascally toddler for the past THREE days?  And she has done it all with a smile on her face!  Amazing.  There were a bunch of other incredible ladies who were waiting in the wings in case their help was needed, but it was not.  Not this time at least (but, ladies, don't get too comfortable!).  Oh, I am so appreciative of my support network.  I fear that I will never adequately be able to express how very, very thankful and grateful I am for them, and this keeps me up at night sometimes.  Just please know, friends.  Please, please know.

Well, that's about it for now.  We are headed home in just a few...

Eek!  Home!  I forgot to include some exciting news.  Our house is under contract -- yay!  I am now racked with fear that something will go wrong over the next few weeks before we close, but otherwise it's a happy time.  Ha!  Seriously, though, it is amazing to feel like we can actually live in our house again.  I left the bed unmade yesterday morning just 'cuz I could.  Of course, then we learned that the home inspection was taking place yesterday afternoon, and I sent Conor home in a panic to make it up.  Ah, the fun never stops with the Crimmins Family!

Until next time...