Hard Times

I was really hoping to report back with some uplifting news about Fionny.  I know my last post was so negative.  Unfortunately, we're still in the trenches over here, folks.  Despite stopping the steroids last night, Fionny has been in pain today which has just been pretty heartbreaking to witness.  We have been so lucky so far in this fight.  Since that first terrible month, Fionn has not been in hardly any pain.  He feels pretty good most of the time, even when his counts are really low.  People have often commented on how well we are handling everything with Fionny, and I always say that it would be a completely different ballgame if he was in pain.  Well, now he's in pain.  And boy was I was right.  This feels a helluva lot harder.

The day started out okay.  Today was a short day at clinic.  No chemo this week, no procedures.  Just vitals, a counts check, and a quick doctor check-in.  Fionn's ANC is at 70 which is higher than his ANC of 6 last week, but the doc told us to prepare that Fionn's counts could bottom out again before making a real recovery.  We were told to expect that he will probably not make counts next week and maybe not even the week after that.  It is very typical for patients to take awhile to recover after the onslaught of chemo Fionn received over the past month.

Fionn seemed to feel okay immediately after clinic, but on the way home he started to complain about stomach pain.  The nurse I spoke with at the clinic believes that it's probably just constipation which is a fun side effect of chemo.  I gave him some medicine (laxative and stomach ulcer medicine) that will hopefully provide some relief.

In the meantime, this evening Fionn also began having some neuropathy in his legs.  Neuropathy, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, is basically that feeling of pins and needles you might get in your feet when they "fall asleep." Only I'm guessing, judging by Fionn's reaction, that it is way worse for a cancer patient.  Another fun side effect of chemo.  Fionn has had neuropathy a couple of other times in this journey.  Thankfully, it has never lasted more than a day.  Fingers crossed that it won't stick around too long this time either.  As it is now, our Fionny doesn't want to walk because it hurts too much, so we are carrying him everywhere.  He also doesn't want to eat because his stomach hurts.  We ordered one of his favorites, Chinese food, for dinner but he just wanted to go to bed.  What a difference a day makes, right?  Conor and I both laid in bed with him for awhile tonight (Conor is still in there now).  The last thing he said before he fell asleep was, "Mommy, I just don't feel well."  I know this will blow your mind, but that is probably only the second time he has ever complained about not feeling well since we completed the Induction phase last July.  We have been so lucky.  So very lucky.

Can I continue the Bummer Parade a bit?  Fionny is also losing his hair again.  We knew it would happen during this phase; it was just a matter of time.  I noticed a few stray hairs over the weekend when I would run my hands through his hair.  Well, now it's coming out fast.  Little blond hairs everywhere.  We need to shave his head again.  Planned to do it again tonight, but it wasn't in the cards.  Maybe tomorrow.  I have to remind myself that Fionny looked so handsome and adorable with a bald head because I am definitely feeling sad about him being bald again.  The biggest thing for me is that it will mean that he looks sick again.  It's like a huge calling card that reads, "My kid is not healthy."  Because healthy kids have hair.  The stares and sympathetic looks from strangers will resume.  Fionny will once again stand apart from all the other kids on the playground and in school.  Man, I hate that.  I just want him to be a regular kid.  When does he just get to be a regular kid again?

There is a light at the end of the tunnel though.  It's there.  I can squint and see it.  I really can.  Once we make counts again (which will hopefully happen sometime in January), we are in the home stretch.  No more "making counts" after that.  We just whiz through the remaining 35 days of this phase, and then we are in Maintenance.  Where we can hopefully breathe a lot easier.

Alright, now that you're good and depressed, I think my job here is done.  Ha.  In all seriousness, I hope my next post is a happier one.  I feel sure that it will be.  After all, we are heading into a whole new year.  Boy, are we ready for a new year over here at the Crimmins House.

Adios, 2014, you sonofabitch.  Don't let the door hit you on the way out.