Zero Dex Thirty

Don't be fooled by the sweet smile and twinkling eyes.  This is the face of a terrorist.

You think I jest?  Ah, okay.  Let me draw you a little picture of an average night at our house (at least this week).

18:30: The eagle has landed.  Dex is fed and in his crib.  All quiet on the home front.  But not for long...

18:35: Dex is up.  And, oh boy, he's pissed.  Shrieks begin.  Something is clearly terribly wrong.

18:37: I enter the room, expecting to find a diaper blowout or something else that would warrant such cries of despair.  Nothing.  I pick Dex up.  He looks at me, smiles.  Touches my face with his chubby little fingers.  Nestles into my chest and commences sucking his thumb. 

18:39: I put Dex carefully back into the crib.  He is still awake but drowsy (just like all those sleep guru assholes tell you to do).  As soon as his head touches the crib mattress...BAM!  He's fully awake and once again pissed.  I rush out of the room. 

18:41:  I open up a beer.  (This is important).

18:41 until 19:00: Dex alternates between seemingly sleeping peacefully and wailing at the top of his lungs. 

19:01: Silence.  There is no sweeter sound.  Baby down.

22:15: I am in bed.  Snuggled up with my Kindle.  My eyelids are heavy.  Aaah.  Think I'll go ahead and turn out the light.  Light switches off.  So...very...sleepy.

22:17: Oh God, no.  It couldn't be.  Dex is up and if you thought he was pissed before...well, you ain't seen nothing yet. 

22:20: I enter the room.  Administer Tylenol.  Tuck Hyland's teething tablets under his little tongue.  He seems mildly comforted by this.  Put baby back in bed.  He fusses but eventually goes back to sleep.  Or so I think.

22:35: I am just drifting off to sleep again which is a miracle, considering my insomnia issues.  And then the cries begin to rise again in the darkness.  It's like he knows just the octave to use to maximize the fingernails-on-a-chalkboard factor.   It's two parts piglet squeal, one part tribal yell.  Impressive really.

I won't bore you with any more details.  Just imagine the above sequence of events on a repeat cycle for the rest of the night, and you've just about got it.  Oh, except for a period of 3 hours between 2:30-5:30 am when he fell hard asleep.  I guess even terrorists need their rest eventually.

And don't even get me started on meal times.  Those have been a real treat, lemme tell ya.

I love my baby, I love my baby, I love my baby.